Everything in My Life Has Lead Me to Hate Valentine's Day

Jack Presby | Feb 14, 2017

I hate Valentine's Day. The Christmas tree is barely down and in the trash, or set ablaze by hooligans. New Year's Eve hangover is almost all gone, and, I’m just starting to not loathe myself. Then I look at the calendar. FEB 14th! Oh, no, not St. Valentine’s Day again. Of all the made up greeting card holidays, I hate Valentine’s Day the most.

I Hate Valentine’s Day. Always Have. Always Will

I hate Valentine’s Day, I have ever since 5th grade. I can remember sitting in front of the TV watching ABC on Friday night. Brady Bunch, then, The Partridge Family, eating a large heart shaped box of candy. My mother would come into the living room to remind me not to forget to bring my Valentine’s Day cards in for my class on Monday. “I have a special one put aside for your little friend Kathy,” she said My chest dropped into our basement and my mouth got instantly dry in spite of the chocolate covered cherry I was chewing on. How could she know about my friend Kathy? What else does she know? She is supernatural, that’s the only answer. And now to make matters worse, I have to walk around my classroom on Monday, putting Valentine’s Day cards on everyone’s desk. including Kathy’s. So, Monday comes around and we are having our little Valentine’s Day party, when lo and behold, Kathy comes walking to my desk. “I think I gave you a card by mistake,” she says while going through the envelopes on my desk, “ah, here it is. Sorry.” And she takes the card back!

My Formative years Did Nothing to Stop my Hatred

I hate Valentine’s Day. You save some Christmas money to get that special girl something nice for Valentine’s Day. Some candy (heart shaped box, of course), flowers, and, the best charm bracelet you can afford. You’re super excited because Valentine’s Day is on Saturday night this year, and your curfew is a little later. Maybe take her someplace nice. Like, Roy Rogers instead of Burger King. And then it happens. Kathy calls (yep, same Kathy). We all know the conversation. It goes just like this; “Hey, listen,” she starts, “remember that senior trip I was on last weekend? Well, I met up with an old friend that moved away when I was younger, and one thing lead to another, and, well, I don’t think we should see each other anymore. You understand, right?” What can I say? I immediately act like a big whiny baby. Hang up after saying all kinds of cruel things and tear into that heart shaped box. Of course, Monday in school I give her the bracelet in a pathetic attempt to win her back. Dope.

The Best Years of My life ... Right

I hate Valentine’s Day. ‘Remember The Alamo!” “Remember The Maine!” Those things I remember, Valentine’s Day, not so much. You’d think with all the subtle reminders everywhere you look it would be forefront on a young man's mind. You would think that. My second wife Kathy (yeah, the same) was one of those ‘holiday’ weirdos. She over celebrated every holiday up to and including St. Swizen’s day. So, I paid a king's ransom to have roses delivered to her office, and, made reservations at one of the finest restaurants in the city. I even went to Jared. That part was easy since she was dropping hints like Mike Tyson used to drop, well, everyone. So, I come home from work to get ready for the big night only to see all my belongings on the sidewalk. Being curious by nature, I approached the pile to see a note pinned to my best suit. LISTEN, I DON’T THINK IT’S WORKING OUT. I WAS AT THE GYM AND LARS SAID TO ME, “IF YOUR UNHAPPY, LEAVE HIM.” (Yes, she used the wrong your, I should be glad it's over) SO, I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF WE JUST MOVED ON. AND THANKS FOR THE ROSES BY THE WAY. EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE LOVED THEM.

The Golden Years, Here Death, Here Boy

I hate Valentine’s Day, especially now that I’m being constantly reminded that I’m alone. Sure, I still buy the heart shaped box. I sit and eat it while watching all the 70’s reruns on METV. Funny how all this came full circle, eating chocolate, watching The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family. But, this time I’m not alone. I have my trusty dog by my side. That relationship is a little awkward right now. I reached for his paw, and he pulled it away, so then I pretended like I was reaching for the remote. But, he knew. He knew.

Share On Social

Did you enjoy this article? Use one of the buttons below to share it on social media.

Categories: Posts | Articles

The Full Belly Laughs Live Stream

Multiple days a week, we're live on Twitch with games & comedy.

Find Our Content and Join the Fun

Enjoy our streams, podcasts, and videos; plus connect with fans.