Chicken Nugget Casserole is key for setting the mood during a drunken sexual encounter when you want it to be more. Let’s face it, It’s been a while since you had practice luring a mate, and you refuse to go out with Jamie from work. They eat a whole jar of pickles for lunch every day! So, you wait for the perfect Saturday night, put on a mediocre pair of underwear and head out to The Club

The Hunt

You scan the dance floor for possible mates. This one in the button-down is promising, but they also keep looking over at their friends and giving them the thumbs-up. You don’t want to be She’s All That-ed (again), so you move on. Just when you start to lose all hope, you spot your mark.

The Approach

Your target leans casually on the bar sipping a classic cocktail. You have never seen anyone make a Mexican Car Crash look so good. You beeline it your future bedmate with the precision of an acrobat with vertigo. Your prey spots you. They peer coyly at you from over the salty rim of their glass. They smile. You come closer. They pull their drinking straw off of their front tooth. Your elbow slips on the edge of the bar and you recover with a cool hair swipe and a smile. It seems like you talk for hours, about everything! Actually, you’re not really sure what you talk about, but you totally nail it. Your paramour agrees that you should go back to your place.

Your Chariot Awaits

You tumble into a cab with your seductive new friend and try to ignore the smell of old takeout that emanates from the cracked leather seats. You take a chance and grab their hand as you pull away from the club. Deep, meaningful eye contact ensues.

Oh, Shit

You realize you’re 28 years old and will probably be alone forever if this doesn’t pan out. And this person who is pulling you out of the cab because you kind of dozed off could be your savior. They are gorgeous. Did we say that? All beautiful fuzzy edges and and kind eyes. They are sweet. They pay the cabbie because you’re a hot mess. And they don’t even give you hell about it. Bless them. So, as you unlock the front door, you ask yourself, how do you show this beautiful person that you are deserving of them? That’s right: Chicken Nugget Casserole.

“BY, JOVE, I THINK I’VE GOT IT!”

You shout this after you both slam a shot of whiskey in your kitchen. “I’m so going to make you something good,” you say with all the suaveness of Mr. Bean in a dentist’s chair. The rest of your life depends on this Chicken Nugget Casserole of love. Follow these instructions carefully, for a lifetime of chickeny nuggety bliss.

Recipe for Chicken Nugget Casserole (Finally)

• Stick your head in the fridge where they can’t see you and take a few huge, deep breaths. Grab yourself a beer while you’re in there.
• Grab your date one too, doofus.
• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees because you’re pretty sure that’s what you always set it to. Spray a ton of Pam on a glass baking dish. You don’t want your Chicken Nugget Casserole Sticking to the bottom.
• Retrieve frozen chicken nuggets from the freezer (“Someone must have left these here. I never eat this stuff.”) and cook according to package instructions.
• Also, make some mac and cheese.
• Oh, God. You’re already in way over your head, here, but you have to impress this dimepiece who may also be losing faith in you at this point.
• Artfully layer the baking dish with mac and cheese, salsa, chicken nuggets, the last leftover slice of pizza (it’s gotta go), and random meat and cheese ends from the fridge. This is a great time to get your date involved. It’ll be like that scene in ‘Ghost’ but with orange processed cheese product instead of pottery clay.
• Top the casserole with the crumbs at the bottom of a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos that you ate while you made your Chicken Nugget Casserole. Cheetos are also acceptable.
• Bake until just before you burn the house down. Use this time to mack on your new friend. If you’re not macking on your new friend by now, you screwed up the whole recipe.

It is less important that you achieve a delicious food item, and more important that you make a good impression on on this glorious person who started out as a drunken conquest. Hopefully, you’re so busy in the bedroom you never have to eat this disgusting totem to drunken gluttony. May you live happily ever after.

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