Cheap, Stress-Free Diets That Still Let You Carry A Concealed Firearm In New Jersey

Sean McGowan | Feb 7, 2017

We’ve all been there with stress-free diets. You’ve found the perfect one that’s for sure going to cut the fat in time for summer. That's until you realize you’ll never be able to have any of your favorite foods again. You’re committed to make changes and shed that extra poundage. But you're not ready to break up with your more delectable cravings. Whether it's carbs, chocolate frosting, or carrying a concealed firearm in New Jersey. What diet that promises that sexy summer bod AND the regulated use of a 32 MM assault rifle on the boardwalk? Eating regimes are often more slimming on the wallet than the stomach!

Stress-Free Diets To Help You Carry a Gun

Never fear reader. I've put together a list of cheap, easy diets for when you simply can’t bear to give up the right to bear arms.

Carbo-load And Reload

A tried-and-true method used by models and athletes alike. This regime actually discourages your standard servings of fruits & vegetables. Instead opting for soluble fibers and whole grains. Also a shiny piece of metal offering a power rush that feeble patrons of Six Flags can't understand. Best of all, it’s simple. You can buy all the ingredients for your meals in one aisle at the grocery store. Follow that with a quick one-stop-shop at your municipality’s police station. Got to apply for a licensed permit to carry. The administration might try to wrap your application in red tape. Think of this as found time, and imagine how much weight you’ll lose in the three to four weeks.

Paleo-Ammo Diet

A standard paleo diet is to only consume foods early humans ate during the Paleolithic Era. Cavemen were stronger, healthier, and sexier in a string bikini than any modern human. The Paleo-Ammo diet embraces this ideology. It also posits how much better our Cro-Magnon ancestors would’ve been if they invented guns. Instead they only invented fire or loincloths. Most paleo diets restrict trans fats, high-fructose corn syrup, and non-GMO products. The paleo-ammo diet mitigates this. You're still allowed to fire a revolver through your sunroof on the Garden State Parkway.

"Have Bruce Springsteen Throw A Bunch Of Nutri-Grain Bars in The Air. You Blast ‘Em To Smithereens" Diet.

New research in biology, genetics, and chemistry led to the creation of this diet. The main concept is Bruce Springsteen heaves a handful of Nutri-Grain Bars into the air. Then you blast those bad boys to kingdom come. The adrenaline rush helps sweat off pounds of water-weight. And you can even snack on the crumby remains of the granola bars after you’ve lit them up like the Fourth of July. Pro tip: while the Boss is always happy to help a fellow Jerseyian, in a pinch any other member of the E Street Band will do. Say goodbye to that ‘Hungry Heart’. Say hello to ‘the intoxicating God-like power of a portable death machine’.

The South Beach Diet But With A Gun

The South Beach Diet But With A Gun is a popular fad diet. Developed by Arthur Agatston in his best-selling 2003 book “The South Beach Diet But With A Gun”. It emphasizes unsaturated fats, low-glycermic carbohydrates, and guns. Like other fad diets, it may have elements which are generally recognized as sensible. Unlike other fad diets, it has a gun. It’s a sure-fire way to lose weight, and an open-fire way to convince people that in Jersey, it’s not the ‘beach’, it’s the shore.

Atkins

There's nothing that says you can't use a Colt 45 to bully your way into pumping your own gas. You might be concerned that there’s nothing in this diet’s title that explicitly encourages guns. But I’ve conducted hours of strenuous research. There's nothing that says you can't use a Colt 45 to bully your way into pumping your own gas. The greatest benefit of the Atkins diet is a fitness regime isn't necessary. So the only thing you've got to worry about exercising is your second amendment rights. Perhaps at a sporting event of a professional New Jersey team. Like the Devils, or the New Jersey Devils.

Diet Without Stress, but With Gun in Hand

So there you have it - five inexpensive, stress-free food plans that put the ‘die’ back in ‘diet’. Don’t believe me? Try any one of these programs and see. You'll be the envy of friends, colleagues, and innocent bystanders testifying against you.

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