When I take you to my favorite hidden gem of a taco truck, I’m going to have to ask you how many tacos you want. I know that it can be a hard conversation to have. No one wants to open up about how many tacos they want so early in a new relationship. But it's our third date. How many tacos you want is important to determine if this relationship will work.

The Taco Truck Test

I try not to be very judgmental when it comes to dating. I’ve been known to let a lot of red flags slide, because I am a woman in constant pursuit of that great movie romance. I once dated a pescatarian for a month because he introduced me to Arrested Development. If I can get over that, surely we can work through whatever issues come from learning how many tacos you order.

One Taco

Maybe you’ve never had a taco before and you just want a little taste. Maybe you’re skeptical about this taco truck. If you’re only gonna order one taco on our date, I’m gonna guess you’re a little dweeby and nervous. Sometimes it’s cute when a guy is a little less confident with tacos than I am. But I’m searching for a partner who is already excited about tacos.

Two Tacos

You loved your first taco so much that you couldn’t imagine any other taco living up to your enormous standards. Now you tentatively order two from this taco truck that I have raved over all week. Do you not trust my judgement? No, don’t order more just because I teased you. A two taco order makes you look weak. If a third taco overwhelms you, you can't watch me deep-throat a cheesesteak next week.

Three

Your three hard shell chicken tacos feel pretty standard. It makes me remember all the times when you overused “lol” in our Bumble messages. Your khaki pants used to be endearing, but now they feel vanilla. But if you won’t even consider splitting spicy queso nachos with me, we can’t hang.

Four

Aw, I love when guys think they’re tough. I can tell by your hoodie that you thought you were a real badass at your all-boys catholic high school. When we went to get coffee on our first date, I was happy to stroke your ego. I’m a girl who can help you play into your bad boy fantasies. But I can't get elbows deep in taco meat juice with a guy who thinks four tacos is an impressive order.

Six

When you grumble your taco order, I can feel the shame in your heart. When you say six tacos, I worry about if I’m going to have to watch you cry while you eat them. My fifteen year old self was really into those dark, brooding, sensitive types. But I’m a woman now and I have my own tears to mop. Note: we’re not even addressing the type of person who orders FIVE tacos. We here at Full Belly Laughs don’t like to give platforms to that type of person.

8-12 Tacos

I see you getting fancy, ordering a wide variety of bean and fish tacos. When you order every weird pairing on the menu I know that this relationship is going to push my boundaries. I’m all for a good challenge but you ruin it for me when you whip out your phone to document this on your Instagram. Tacos must be cherished, not used for “likes” on social media.

13-26

Do you even care about tacos? Every few tacos you consume, one will really stand out. But in the eternal sea of tacos you worry that you will never truly find a taco that makes you happy. I fear that we will destroy each other. We will make each other feel empty. Trapped until one evening after slurping down five pints of gelato, we decide to call it quits. I know what this is like and I won’t do it again.

27

You fear if you don’t order more tacos you’ll miss out on something even better. You dream of all the possibilities. When you order twenty seven tacos, you’re still a little sad. You passed up a 12th Korean barbecue pork taco for a 3rd California style braised avocado taco. I’ll never feel like I’m good enough for you. I would end up trying to change to make you happy, but you and I both know that you will never be satisfied.

30

You’re an athletic taco consumer. This is about you and your ability to consume a cheesy mess of goodness in a way that makes you feel invincible. But after 27 tacos, it’s clear you’re just checking off boxes. Together we would try so many new things, but I’d never see you really enjoy them before planning the next thing. I can’t help but worry that you’d feel the same way about me.

31-99

If a taco could enjoy being eaten, they would love you. You asked for extra cheese on all 79 of your assorted beef, chicken, fish, veggie, carnitas taco spread. Our relationship would be passionate and obsessive. After the tenth packet of sour cream, I can tell that we have to just play this out and wait for it to implode. I’ll start stocking up on soft cheeses and fancy crackers for when it does.

Tacos or Bust

If I take you to my favorite taco truck and you order a burrito, this relationship is over before it even started. Burritos are for glutenous monster people. Who needs that much rice?

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