What to Eat When You Eat Your Feelings: Corned Beef and Cabbage

Alejandro Morales | Jan 19, 2017

Today Alejandro is going to explain why corned beef and cabbage is a great choice if you eat your feelings.

Winter Time Sadness

It's winter. The trees look dead, and it's time to unearth all the feelings you buried away in warmer months, and eat them. Nothing can fill the endless gnawing void inside you. But nothing can stop you from trying either. Let's celebrate a classic comfort dish, in our separate residences, alone. It's corned beef and cabbage! If you thought corned beef and cabbage was just for St. Patty's Day, boy are you wrong about that, like always. You can get a corned beef and cabbage platter at just about any of the local delis. You shuffle zombie-eyed through the streets of the city missing these opportunities. Stop scanning each stranger's faces for some trace of something real, and stop by a deli and get a platter.

Where to Pick Up a Corned Beef and Cabbage Platter

For takeout, I recommend the Famous 4th Street Deli at 4th and Bainbridge. The sizable portions of delicious rye bread and savory corned beef are so generous. You'll eat individual meals for days. There's more than enough to share, but you don't have to worry about that. Corned beef and cabbage on Monday, on Tuesday, on Wednesday. You don't have to leave the house on any of those days if you don't want to, and you don't want to.

Save Money By Not Eating Out

You want to save money. You're in your late thirties and it doesn't look like you'll ever meet someone. That means no children who'll grow up and take care of you. Lucky for you this dish can be made at home. Anything is possible if you can crawl out of bed and force yourself into clothes! One great way to make corned beef and cabbage in your home is to use a crock pot. A crock pot like the one your ex's friends brought to your housewarming party. The same crock pot that your ex took with him when he left you 7 months later. So what he's now dating a better looking version of you who owns his own small business and works out. He also took the cats, the pit bull, the goldfish, and your late twenties. But you know what he couldn't take away? The recipe. So, here's what you'll need to get started: Google. Google the damn recipe yourself. After that we can abuse a bottle of cooking wine and cry on Facebook Live.
Alejandro had to take a personal day before he could finish this article. Here's the things you will need to make Corned Beef and Cabbage at home.

How to Actually Make Corned Beef and Cabbage

In order to make this dish, you will need the following:
  • Crock pot
  • Electricity
  • An environment suitable for preparing food
  • Means to acquiring the ingredients
    • Walk or drive to your nearest grocer
    • Substitution: call an Uber or something
  • A list of ingredients to make this dish
  • A recipe you Googled per Alejandro's instructions
  • Money
  • A healthy appetite for cooking
And there you have it. If you have any questions, don't ask us. Someone on Yahoo! will be happy to troll you instead.

Share On Social

Did you enjoy this article? Use one of the buttons below to share it on social media.

Categories: Comedy | Articles

Find Our Content and Join the Fun

Enjoy our streams, podcasts, and videos; plus connect with fans.