Decide Whether Or Not You Want to Go on a BenderThis is the most crucial hack. I mean if you’re drunk most or all of the time, is price gonna bother you? I’ve never gone on a bender before but maybe it would be fun. I could pretend I’m a cool Hemingway type alcoholic author or something. Then the reason I’m a raging addict is because I’m an artist and I need to be on substances to create art. Except I’m not an artist I just make no money and have no job.
Stock up on Some Good Craft Beers Now While You Still Have MoneyObviously you aren’t gonna be able to drink a lot of high end beers after this, so I went down to Beer Heaven on Columbus Blvd. and got some of my favorite high alcohol content craft beers while I could still afford them. One of my favorites is Victory’s V12 beer, it’s kinda sweet and unlike the news my boss delivered to me, it goes down real easy. You can almost forget it’s a beer... and eventually forget all of the recent events in your life. Another great one is Blithering Idiot by Weyerbacher. I mean, as long as this makes me ‘blithering’ maybe I’ll forget about what I’m planning on doing to my former boss’s car next week.
Just Put Cheap Beer in a Fancy GlassNow that your bank account is starting to dwindle along with your happiness, you’ll wanna try this hack. I mean it does trick you a bit if you just pour a Natty Ice in a fancy goblet. Just get a case or two of cheap beer at Federal Beer Distributors in South Philly. Hopefully you have some of these fancy glasses already. But if you broke all yours in a fit of rage and despair last night after having another crying spell, you are probably wondering how to get more. Well hey, fret not. Pretty much every bar has some type of beer glass. Are they always watching to make sure the glasses aren’t being stolen by a poor person?
Do A Lot of Craft Beer ‘Sampling’Ok… let’s be honest, at this point even the cheapest beer is proving to be a bit of a financial burden. Well here’s a hack I just thought of. The thing is… there’s a lot of fucking weird craft beer flavors now. Like peppercorn apricot taint IPAs or something. But I think that’s why they let you sample beers. I was at Madira at 21st st. in south philly and I saw them pour a sample and it was like ¼ of the glass. And they had like 100 craft beers on tap. Do you get where I’m going? I tried this method at a different bar (which I won’t name for pending legal reasons) but I don’t really get why they had to physically throw me out. So what if I had 3 samples upstairs, gave a false name and I want another sample downstairs cause I’m Jerry now.
Pretend You Forgot Your Money When You LeaveSo I know you’re getting more desperate for money with each passing day. Well try this hack if there’s any bars you aren’t banned from. Use at your own risk of course. But people are always coming and going. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about ‘accidentally’ forgetting to close out your tab from time to time. Oh, I guess you’re better than me? You wait until you get laid off for ‘strictly business’ reasons. I only worked there for six years. Six whole years. And then just gone. Just like that. Maybe death is next. Peaceful death. Oh I forgot I was typing.
‘Borrow’ Beers From Loved OnesOk I’m assuming you’ve already moved in to your parents spare room. But there may still be hope for dulling those pesky emotions and feelings. Just tell loved ones about your misfortune. They’re bound to have some cold ones with you. Then their significant others might tell them that they feel like you’re pushing your alcoholism onto them. I was laid off, of course I’m gonna seem like I have a problem I should go to meetings for. And no I don’t know where that 6 pack of Golden Monkey went. Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble, I’m very drunk. (for research purposes) Listen, just try these out and contact me with any questions. Or job opportunities. Or money of any kind. Please.
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