You Hate Meatloaf But Your Family Will Love This Recipe

Jacqueline Purtell | Feb 4, 2017

I don't like Meatloaf, but that doesn't matter. Twice in a week, I will get a text from my mother asking me to make dinner. A sense of dread will settle itself into the pit of where my muffin top lays. The text may read make some form of chicken smothered in McCormick Roasted Garlic and Herb seasoning, which I can make with menial effort and pride. However, should the text read “Please do Meatloaf for dinner” in that exact order, I usually contemplate texting back that I don’t know him. Ain’t no doubt about it, I would do anything for love, but I won’t make meatloaf willingly. “Do I have to make it?” I whine as I stare at the two pounds of meat she put aside for it. “Oh, wah wah. It won’t kill you make it.” “You don’t know that. It might.” Mother laughs at me through the phone, “Do you remember how to make it? You know you need ketchup, mustard-” “Mother, I know how to make it,” I snap. If I let her continue, her recipe would try and creep in on mine. I may not like meatloaf, but I definitely know better than to eat the one my mother makes.

Touch of Meat

For people that don’t know what meatloaf is, it’s fine. You’re life is going to be the same way if you don’t ever eat meatloaf. I’ve never heard anyone say “Oh my god! Did you eat the meatloaf they had on the menu?! It’s to die for!” If you have said that, I’m judging you right now. It’s a pound of meat, formed into the shape of a loaf of bread. You can try and eat it with mash potatoes and some vegetable of your choosing. I procrastinate doing anything else for 4 hours before I even decide to take the ground beef out of the fridge. Did you know that a good portion of recipes for meatloaf say that you should use a pound and a half of ground beef? You know what I say? That’s too goddamn much. Rip that package of meat you bought on clearance in half and make yourself literally ANYTHING else at a later point in the week. Make Taco Tuesday a thing again. But I’m procrastinating on telling the recipe here, aren’t I? Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and bring out a big bowl. Spray down a glass or metal loaf pan with anything nonstick and throw that to the side. Put on Pandora and listen to Summer Hits of the 2000s. You won’t regret it. Start dancing

How to Make Meatloaf If You Don't Like It

  • Rip the beef apart. Go to town while you sway to Burn by Usher
  • Feel all sticky on your hands from touching raw meat and try to rinse.
  • It doesn’t work right
  • Crack one egg into your bowl
  • Pour one cup of whole milk in. (No substitutions for this, it’s un-American and it keeps it all juicy. Ew.)
  • Chop one onion and just go BAM! And throw it in like a boss.
    • No time for that? Grab a pack of french onion soup mix or ¼ cup of onion powder and sprinkle it over it like it’s pixie dust. Do not inhale
  • Bop with the beat. It’s the remix to ignition!
  • Grab one cup bread crumbs or one cup of panko, whatever you have available
  • Drop in two tablespoons of brown sugar
  • Grab the mustard and squeeze it to your heart’s content over your deformed monstrosity. If you actually wanna measure, use about two tablespoons of mustard (spicy brown for extra flavor)
  • Salt and pepper that thing to taste or use Adobo (call that Spanish friend you know you have and get that shit pronto)
  • ½ can of tomato soup (leave the other half for the end)
  • Suga Suga, how’d it get so fly?!
  • Get back in there with your hands and get all squishy with it.
  • Once you think it’s all mixed well enough, give it a shape; round, like fat cat round, seems to be the best shape
  • Consider Grubhub for all your eating needs
  • Stuff that meat lub into the pan you put aside earlier
  • Place in loaf pan; make sure it’s rounded out. Remember Fat Cat Shape
  • Cover with Aluminum foil and cook for one hour
  • Put on tea and a comedy show, you deserve to laugh for a bit
  • Text your friends and see if they want to go out to Applebee’s later
  • At 30 minute mark, carefully, carefully, CAREFULLY (I cannot stress this enough because that thing is hot as hell and you will lose feeling in your fingertips for about 2 hours if you get burned), drip out the extra fatty crap that’s gonna be in the pan and place it back in for the remaining 30 minutes
  • You can leave it uncovered for the last half hour of cooking
  • When done use the other half of the tomato soup and drizzle on top for extra flavor
Place the offering at your mother’s feet when she enters the house and leave the house for Applebee’s for half priced apps and a drink.

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