I was a regular at a coffee shop for over a year and I was unable to date a barista. Not one barista fell in love with me. I am still thoroughly confused by this. How many macchiatos, bagels with avocado on them, and almond croissants would I need to buy? I just want a mustachioed tattooed beret wearing fella to notice me. Apparently one of those items a week is not enough. No, I would need to alter and intensify my tactics. To find love.

Date a Barista at Steep and Grind

Or, rather, consummate a one-sided relationship. I’m not even sure that I wanted to date this barista. His tiny man bun on top of his head was not really my thing. Also, the wedding band on his left hand was a bit off putting. But he DID make an (albeit) lopsided foam heart on my macchiato. I tried my best to act uninterested. Earbuds in, I looked away, sullenly, toward the door. The thing was I didn’t want to date him (or even date a barista) but I wanted him to fall in love with me. The foam heart was a start. I made sure to sit facing him. I tried not to let on that I was doing kegels to consummate our love. This was unbeknownst to him. He continued to pour handcrafted espresso for his customers. Is that rape? Love-rape? So sorry if it is. I got off at least. Very quiet and discreet. Oh, but was this love to be one-sided? I needed to peer into his eyes. Or rather, I needed him to peer into my eyes (they are fairly large and can be rather intensely brown). He needed to see this intensity. He needed to KNOW it. We needed to know it.

Talk to Him About Something

He wasn’t even looking at me. In fact, he had earbuds in. I’m not sure he was listening to any of the chatter in the coffee shop. He was unaware of my quest to date a barista. He did look over at me at one point and I think he licked his lips in a subtle display of sexual arousal. Although I could have been mistaken. I tried to return the favor by licking my lips in a similar display. Although he had already moved on to another task that didn’t involve him looking at me, or my lips for that matter. As I prepared to leave, I noticed there was no bin for the dirty dishes. What do I do with my dainty little macchiato coffee cup? I thought of trying to show off my domestic prowess and offer to wash the cup myself. But that might have been too much. Instead, I awkwardly putzed around the counter looking for a spot to place the dirty cup. I finally opted for a space near the register and I quietly left the premises, and the barista, forever. (Or until the next time I go to Steep and Grind). If you do want to date a barista, follow these steps:

1. Talk to the barista about something other than the macchiato with two percent milk you want.

I had managed a “Hi” so that was a good start.

Learn From My Mistakes

I’d have to say despite my efforts I was ignored. Except for during the ordering of the coffee and the money exchange for the coffee. Did I find love? Is there love to be found? (SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME KNOW): I actually already know the answer: No, there is no love to be found. Sitting at the bar stool counter and peering over at the barista will not induce him into a lovesick coma over you. All you’ll truly have is your two percent macchiato and your earbuds.

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