6 Big Tips on Dining With the Russian Mob Boss

Ben Farrell | Jan 10, 2017

You’ve got a dinner date tonight with the Russian mob boss Bobby the Bruiser. Bobby is the leader of the local Russian mafia (so, technically, it’s Bobbi). He is well known for handling “unfinished business” himself. Obviously you might be a bit anxious about making a good impression, but don’t worry! It's like learning to drive car - a very angry and impatient and intimidating car that's on the FBI’s most wanted list. Here’s 6 helpful tips on how to look like a gentleman in front of the most powerful man in the city.

Be Punctual

As with most dinner occasions, it’s best to be on time for whomever you’re meeting. Make yourself a reminder. Bobby’s goons call between 8 and 8:30 on the payphone at 5th and Washington. Bring a notepad! They'll detail instructions on how to get there without being followed.

Find Good Seating

When meeting someone for dinner, it’s always important to have a good space to sit. At some finer places, the host might show you where to sit. This Russian mob boss will meet you upstairs in the cigar lounge. There’ll be no windows; he likes it that way. Quick tip: The password at the door is “Hi I’m here to speak with Bobby the Bruiser.”

Choosing Your Drink

Choosing a drink is an especially important any time you eat out. It sets off a multitude of ways your taste buds can go when accompanying your entrée. It’s a cold December night, so how about a nice red wine like a Cabernet Sauvignon or a fruity Merlot. This Russian mob boss likes a smooth Pinot Noir, it’s red...like the blood of his enemies.

Choosing Your Entrée

Okay, so maybe there was a reason that the Merlot tasted a bit stale. Is there a reason? Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing. Maybe that’s what a finely aged Merlot tastes like when it’s spiked with ricin. But it’s probably nothing. Bobby will hand you a menu with three different items on a paper. Bobby will say as he’s handing to you the menu, “One of these has these has the antidote.” And what three delicious and vital (well, just one of them) options, you might ask? Well, here’s what they are:

Soup

French Onion Soup with Beef and Barley. Bobby's crew just took out a good part of the drug scene overrun by the French mafia. You should watch out for the “beef” part of that “beef and barley”. Then again, committing cannibalism can’t be much worse than poisoned by 50-year-old wine. This one might be the one with the antidote simply because of the humiliation factor. Then again, who cares? You’re alone with a powerful mob boss in a cigar lounge. Sweating bullets with every move that seven-foot behemoth makes. Personal humiliation is the least of your worries.

Steak

The second option is a simple 24oz Steak with a Small Garnish. But wait! Is that garnish on the side the homeopathic medicine needed to cure your poisoning? Or a distraction because Bobby understands that’s your exact train of thought? Be wary, and don’t ask for it to be medium well, you uncultured peasant! What is this, an Applebee’s?

Fish

The final option is a nice Grilled Salmon with Fried Leek and Shredded Truffle. Though this might go with the red wine you decided to drink. It’s also the least likely to be the one with the antidote. Bobby the Bruiser is always going on and on about his enemies “sleeping with the fishes.” I doubt that he’d go out of his way to have one cooked up for dinner. Make a wise decision, as your life depends on it, but also remember that red wine and soup don’t mix.

Waiting for Your Meal

Okay, so you chose the 24 oz steak? That was the right answer. Fun Fact: that “steak” is Bobby’s last “accountant." You couldn’t avoid that whole cannibalism angle after all. What do you do while you wait for the meal? Keep silent, and don’t you dare talk or make eye contact unless he tells you to. Don’t make the same mistake that my cousin from 19th and Norton made. You hear about him? Exactly…

Paying the Tip for a Russian Mob Boss

When this Russian mob boss says to you “Aren’t you going to tip?” after you get the check, gracefully slide over the package. Please don’t get confused. Just pay the tip like at a normal restaurant, because if you do, Bobby will break your fucking legs.

Categories: Comedy | Articles

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